Episode 51 How to Turn your Inner Critic into Your Inner Coach

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Welcome to Unstuck and Unstoppable,

the podcast for ambitious female

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leaders who want to create more impact,

income, and influence in their careers.

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feel connected to their passion

and purpose, but without

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selling out or burning out.

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I'm Sarah Archer, a leadership coach

and career strategist, helping women

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like you thrive in leadership roles

while staying true to your values.

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I'm the founder of CareerTree

Coaching and have over 15 years of

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coaching experience and significant HR

leadership experience to share with you.

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I know as a female leader it can

be hard to find time to focus

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on your career aspirations.

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The day job can be all consuming.

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Plus, no matter how senior you are,

there are always going to be times

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when you feel stuck, when you have

self doubt, or feel like an imposter.

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And that's where unstuck

and unstoppable comes in.

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Each week I'll be sharing practical

strategies, insightful interviews and

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inspiring stories to help you boost

your confidence, lead with purpose

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and achieve sustainable success.

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If you're ready to stop playing

small and unlock the incredible

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potential you have within you and feel

unstoppable, you're in the right place.

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Let's get started.

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Hello and welcome to episode 51.

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I'm really pleased as always,

that you're joining me today.

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Now I've got a few episodes coming

up that are all linked to confidence

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because I know that it's one of the

cornerstones of being a successful leader.

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So I thought I would do a little

run of episodes that talking all

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about building your confidence and

today's episode is one of those.

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It's about how to turn your inner

critic into your inner coach.

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Because, while we might want to

be our best cheerleader, often

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we are our own worst critic.

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And I'm guessing if you are

tuning in today it's because your

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critic is getting in the way.

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When you think about what it

says to you, it'll be things

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like, you're not good enough.

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You can't do this.

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You're gonna fail.

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And the impact of that can be

really considerable over time.

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It can affect your self-esteem and

obviously your career confidence.

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It can also affect your mental

health because it can increase

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your anxiety and your stress.

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It can impact your professional

relationships because.

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You might hold yourself back from

connecting with certain people.

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You might feel inhibited about

having certain conversations.

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You might misinterpret conversations

'cause of that inner chatter.

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it can get in the way of you achieving

both your personal and professional goals

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because you can self-sabotage, you can

procrastinate because of the self-doubt

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that is perpetuated by your inner critic.

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I guess the first thing I wanted to

say is I wanted to normalize it in

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that everybody has an inner critic.

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So even if you think about the most

confident person, they will have an

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inner critic, but the difference is

how they actually manage that critic.

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And that's what we're

gonna talk about today.

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And that ability to manage your inner

critic is the root of confidence because,

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your inner critic impacts how you present

in the world, how you show up in the

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world, how you interact in the world.

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If we can change that inner critic into

an inner coach, that will ultimately

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change how you show up in the world and

how you interact in the world as well.

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What I would say is that, a lot

of the clients that I've worked

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with a lot of them senior leaders,

experience this self-doubt that's

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perpetuated by the inner critic.

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And I'm gonna share some of the techniques

that I use with them today with you.

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And I've also written a book

called Developing Your Inner

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Coach, which I will put a link to.

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If you wanted to read more about

some of the techniques, you can

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access that through my book.

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But let's just try and understand why do

we have an inner critic, why have we got

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this voice in our head that is, saying

all these really unhelpful things to us.

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And what we know from neuroscience is

that the primary purpose of the limbic

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or primal brain is to keep us safe.

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So it's to keep us alive,

essentially alive and safe, and

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therefore it's scans for risk.

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So it's constantly scanning

for potential risk.

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And our physical risks are much lower

now, and so what it's programmed to

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scan for most now is emotional risks.

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So situations where you might be

vulnerable, situations where you

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might be exposed, situations that

are going to potentially lead to.

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A negative outcome for

you as it perceives it.

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And what's important to notice

here as well is that some

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people have a higher risk bias.

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We all have a risk bias, but

some people will tend to have

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a higher negative risk bias.

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So that's probably useful for you

to notice whether you tend to fall

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into that higher negative risk bias.

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And so what the brain

does,, it's identified that.

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Potential risk situation, it

will use your inner critic to

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get you to stop taking action.

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And it uses the inner critic because

the inner critic is privy to all

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your deepest, darkest, secret fears.

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And therefore, it will use those fears to

get you to stop taking action, to withdraw

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from that interview for that next role.

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To say no to that opportunity to do X or Y

to create enough doubt for you not to push

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yourself forward in whatever it might be.

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And it speaks from fear, which

is why it's so unpleasant to have

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this inner critic in your ear.

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And that's why we want to reduce

the power of the inner critic and

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amplify the inner coach because

you do have an inner coach as well.

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And I want to just.

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Tell you a little bit about a

client that I worked with who

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had a very powerful inner critic.

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This is Tony and she worked in a very

senior planning role and she had an inner

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critic that told her a lot of the time

that the work she did wasn't good enough,

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that she wasn't good enough, and it spoke

to her tendencies for perfectionism.

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And that insecurity around perfectionism.

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And you can probably see there's

lots of crossovers within a critic

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and other confidence challenges.

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And a lot of people in Tony's.

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World where reliance on her

piece of work to be able to get

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on with their piece of work.

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And this put an enormous amount of

pressure on her, particularly as

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her inner critic was saying, you've

got to do it to this high standard.

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It's gotta be perfect.

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You've got to work longer hours

to get it to that standard.

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You're never gonna be able to meet

their demands, their expectations,

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and this was just causing her.

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A huge amount of stress and, she

was getting close to burnout.

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And what we had to do was use some of

the techniques that I'm gonna share with

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you today to help her flip her narrative

and to be more of an inner coach.

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Now, I'm gonna share with you

various steps that you can

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use to kickstart this process.

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But I want to caveat this in that,

if you think about how long your

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inner critic has been vocal for.

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This is a 15 minute session.

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We're not gonna be able to flip it into

an inner coach in a 15 minute session.

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It's gonna take work and energy

and commitment to doing it.

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But what I want you to know is that it's

really possible to quieten your inner

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critic and amplify your inner coach.

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So it is possible and you can maybe just

start experimenting with some of these

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ideas and see what emerges for you.

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The first step is to notice the voice

and what it's actually saying to you,

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and write down what it's saying to you.

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Often because we've had our inner

critic around for so long we

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stop noticing how horrible it is.

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It's just constantly there.

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Those thoughts are popping into our

heads and we're not really, paying

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attentions consciously, but obviously

it's having an unconscious impact on us.

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So by being able to write it down

we can get some perspective on it.

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Goodness am I saying

those things to myself.

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They're really unkind and

horrible and not nice.

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And you can just start to notice also,

when that inner critic is most vocal is

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it there all the time with everything

you do, or is it triggered by certain

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situations that you are engaging in?

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Does it become louder when you're about

to step out of your comfort zone or when

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you're doing a particular activity or

interacting with a particular person?

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So noticing the triggers can be

really helpful or just noticing

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that it's constantly there.

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Then step two is recognizing

that you have a choice.

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So you have a choice about

how you speak to yourself.

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And that's important because

that's recognizing that you

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have the power to change this.

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Then to engage in self-compassion

because self-compassion is a superpower.

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If you look at how you tend to

speak to yourself through your inner

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critic, it's not compassionate at all.

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It's really harsh and not nice.

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And so what we can do is to use something

called perceptual positions to step

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outta this being about us and look at how

you're speaking to yourself and think.

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Gosh, if my best friend was

speaking to themselves like

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that, what would I say to them?

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And you wouldn't reinforce all

the things your inner critic is

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saying to you, you wouldn't, you'd

be saying some really encouraging,

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some really nurturing, some really

supportive things to your best friend.

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Being able to think about, okay,

how would I speak to my best friend?

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That's how I want to speak to myself.

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Going forward.

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Then we can think about being

intentional, which is step three.

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But before that, we also want to

acknowledge our brain's intention.

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So we know that our brain

wants to keep us safe.

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And so acknowledging that inner critic

is coming from a place of fear and

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being afraid by being compassionate

to our inner critic rather than.

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Telling staff is also really powerful.

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Just acknowledging, your brain's

trying to do its primary job,

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which is to keep you safe.

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I'll explain a bit more how

that might look in a minute.

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So step three is then to be really

conscious and intentional because

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we want to change the dialogue.

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We want to change the narrative,

the conversation that you have

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with yourself and reframe it

into more positive dialogue.

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Let me give you little example

of what that might be like.

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I worked with a client who had

a a really horrible burnout

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experience in a senior role.

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And it was a while ago.

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But she was feeling she wanted to

reengage with more senior roles.

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So she was starting to apply for jobs, but

what she noticed was every time she did.

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Her inner dialogue was really

negative, and it was telling

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her, don't apply for those jobs.

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Why are you putting

yourself in that position?

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You're going to burn out again.

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You're going to experience all those

horrible things that happened last time.

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Don't do it.

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Stay where you are.

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It's safe, it's comfortable, and so she

was finding it really hard to put the

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applications in, and the thought of an

interview is just completely terrifying.

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So what we worked on was changing

that narrative to remind herself

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actually that she changed.

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The dialogue went something like this.

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First of all, thank you brain or

whatever you call your inner critic,

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I know you're trying to keep you safe.

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I know you're trying to protect

me, but you don't need to worry.

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So you're reassuring the other critic.

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You don't need to worry because.

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I'm a different person to that person

who suffered burnout three years ago.

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I've got lots of strategies and techniques

now to keep myself safe, to support

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myself, and to look after myself.

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Plus this job.

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I've looked at the job description.

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It looks like it's really doable.

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I don't feel like it's going

to be overly stressful.

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I've looked at the organization,

they've got a really strong wellbeing

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policy, and from what I know about

my line manager, they seem someone

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that I could get on really well with

and would be really supportive of me.

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So the narrative is just reassuring.

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It's really compassionate.

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It's , reassuring you that actually you've

got strategies, you've got strengths that

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you are going to be okay, and therefore

your inner critic can just relax a

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bit, which is what we're aiming for.

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So we wanna change that dialogue and we

can do that also by noticing from that

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first step, when you are writing down

what's your inner critic saying that you

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can practice replacing phrases as well.

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So if you have thoughts

about, I'm not good enough.

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Consciously going, no, I am good enough.

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And replacing the phrase.

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So if you say to

yourself, I can't do that.

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Replacing it with, how can I do that?

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Or You'll never succeed, you can do this.

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So listening to what you're saying

and choosing to replace the thought.

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Now, obviously this takes time

because your negative inner a critic,

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has been vocal for a long time.

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It's developed thought patterns

that have become entrenched.

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So it has to work really hard then to

put these new thoughts and embed them

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into your brain, into your consciousness.

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But like I said, it's definitely possible.

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Once you've done those first three

steps, the step four is to think

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about strengthening your inner coach.

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Because she's in there, but

she's she's not been allowed to

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be very vocal and say very much.

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So what we need to now do is think

about how can I amplify my inner

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coach and give her more fuel, more

evidence, more information to help

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her become more present in my brain.

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And thinking about the benefits of having

an inner coach is really powerful as well.

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The benefits are the opposite to

what the inner critics impact is.

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You'll have a cheerleader, an internal

cheerleader who's very encouraging, who's

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supportive, who wants you to do well, and

wants you to fulfill your potential and.

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Have stretch in your job.

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She'll help you overcome

setbacks and reframe them.

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She'll be able to build your confidence

and your self-belief and she'll help

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you manage stress and reduce anxiety.

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There's lots of benefits for

your inner coach, which is really

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encouraging to think about.

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So the ways to then strengthen your

inner coach are to do things like this.

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One is to identify the

positives that you bring.

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And remind yourself regularly.

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That's things like your strengths,

your qualities, your leadership brand

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your achievements, things you've done

really well, things you're proud of.

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Any feedback that you have had.

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And to collate this, and often with

my clients we do something called

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an achievement journal where they

actually start to collect evidence

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of things that have gone well and the

skills and qualities they've used to

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enable that because it's physical and.

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Evidence that you can read and

use to support your inner coach.

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Then we also want to think about

using more positive self talks.

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We've talked about reframing some of

the phrases your inner critic might

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choose to use, but we can also amplify

that by using intentional directional

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statements, also known as affirmations.

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Which is just a positive way of,

reprogramming your thought pattern.

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So choosing a positive statement

about yourself to repeat on a

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regular basis, and and continuing

the work around reframing those next.

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Thoughts and then also choosing to

engage in positivity, particularly if

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you've got a high negative risk bias.

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Looking at things like podcasts,

books, lives meditation music,

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things that make you feel positive

and choosing to bring consciously

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more of them into your working week.

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So that, again, you're giving more

fuel to your inner coach to draw on.

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Remember, we're not getting

rid of your inner critic.

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She is a part of you and

she serves a purpose.

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We want to treat her with compassion.

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But what we want to do is let her relax

a bit by reassuring her and using our

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inner coach, increasing the volume of our

inner coach to actually support us more.

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With our daily challenges

of being, a female leader.

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To recap for you what we're

gonna do is notice what your

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inner critic is saying to you.

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Write it down, get some perspective.

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Recognize you have a choice, and

start to get compassionate with

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yourself and with your inner critic.

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Be conscious and intentional.

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Start reframing your inner narrative

and then look at and strengthening

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your inner coach through both

capturing and reminding yourself of

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your strengths and achievements using

positive self talk and bringing more

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positivity into your daily working life.

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I hope you've found that helpful.

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It's given you some food for thought

around your inner critic and how vocal it

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is and when it's vocal, and how you can

start to encourage your inner coach to.

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Be more present.

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If you want to have some deep support

on this, do get in touch and we can have

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a conversation around you developing

your inner coach to support you go

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forward in your leadership career.

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Thank you so much for listening

to this episode of the Unstuck

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and Unstoppable podcast.

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I have lots of free resources you

can access on my website, ww.career

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tree coaching.co

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uk, and I'll also put

links in the show notes.

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If you found this episode

helpful, then please subscribe

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so you don't miss the next one.

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And please do share it with a

friend and leave me a review

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and I will personally thank you.

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Remember, you're capable of more

than you know, shine brightly.

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Lead boldly and unlock the

extraordinary potential within you.

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Be unstoppable.