Episode 39 How to Move Past Negative Experiences At Work

Speaker: 00:00:04

Welcome to Unstuck and Unstoppable,

the podcast for ambitious female

2

: 00:00:09

leaders who want to create more impact,

income, and influence in their careers.

3

: 00:00:14

feel connected to their passion

and purpose, but without

4

: 00:00:17

selling out or burning out.

5

: 00:00:19

I'm Sarah Archer, a leadership coach

and career strategist, helping women

6

: 00:00:23

like you thrive in leadership roles

while staying true to your values.

7

: 00:00:28

I'm the founder of CareerTree

Coaching and have over 15 years of

8

: 00:00:32

coaching experience and significant HR

leadership experience to share with you.

9

: 00:00:38

I know as a female leader it can

be hard to find time to focus

10

: 00:00:42

on your career aspirations.

11

: 00:00:44

The day job can be all consuming.

12

: 00:00:47

Plus, no matter how senior you are,

there are always going to be times

13

: 00:00:51

when you feel stuck, when you have

self doubt, or feel like an imposter.

14

: 00:00:56

And that's where unstuck

and unstoppable comes in.

15

: 00:01:00

Each week I'll be sharing practical

strategies, insightful interviews and

16

: 00:01:05

inspiring stories to help you boost

your confidence, lead with purpose

17

: 00:01:10

and achieve sustainable success.

18

: 00:01:13

If you're ready to stop playing

small and unlock the incredible

19

: 00:01:16

potential you have within you and feel

unstoppable, you're in the right place.

20

: 00:01:22

Let's get started.

21

: 00:01:27

Welcome to episode 39.

22

: 00:01:30

As always, I'm really

glad you're here with me.

23

: 00:01:33

And this week's topic is about how to

move past negative experiences at work.

24

: 00:01:38

You are probably lucky in your

career if you haven't had a negative

25

: 00:01:42

experience at work because sadly.

26

: 00:01:45

They seem to be coming more and

more commonplace, and I certainly

27

: 00:01:50

in my career have definitely

had some negative experiences.

28

: 00:01:53

And what I've learned is that it's

important to have a process, a

29

: 00:01:57

strategy for dealing with them If

you do have a negative experience so

30

: 00:02:02

that you don't take it with you, you

can't let it have power over you.

31

: 00:02:07

The reason I thought about this as

a topic was because I was working

32

: 00:02:10

with a client recently and she was

thinking about her next leadership

33

: 00:02:15

role and she was definitely ready

for stepping up into that next role.

34

: 00:02:18

We were looking at her positioning,

we were looking at her advancement

35

: 00:02:22

strategy, and what I noticed

was that, her commitment to it,

36

: 00:02:26

there was resistance around it.

37

: 00:02:28

She wanted it, but actually the taking

action and moving forward with it , there

38

: 00:02:32

was definitely resistance going on.

39

: 00:02:34

And when we unpacked it together,

we realized that there was a

40

: 00:02:38

negative experience that she'd had

in a very recent job that she was

41

: 00:02:41

worried was gonna happen again.

42

: 00:02:43

And that was stopping her from actually

moving forward with her strategy.

43

: 00:02:48

And I'll tell you a bit

about what we did later on.

44

: 00:02:51

The negative experience at work,

it's gonna be very personal.

45

: 00:02:54

Everyone will have something potentially

different as maybe created a block

46

: 00:02:58

for them or is holding them back.

47

: 00:03:00

Some of the things I've seen with clients

are things like having a micromanager, a

48

: 00:03:06

very stressful experience if your manager

is not trusting you, particularly in

49

: 00:03:10

a leadership management role to get on

and do your job and is expecting you to.

50

: 00:03:16

Be constantly updating them or

feeding back to them or telling

51

: 00:03:19

you what you're doing and you

don't feel like you're trusted.

52

: 00:03:22

That can be a really

negative experience for you.

53

: 00:03:24

So there's that.

54

: 00:03:25

There's also things around performance.

55

: 00:03:26

If maybe in your first 90 days

in a new job, you haven't been.

56

: 00:03:30

Confirmed in your probation or you've

decided to leave early 'cause it wasn't

57

: 00:03:34

working out or in your existing role.

58

: 00:03:36

You've been put under some

kind of performance management,

59

: 00:03:39

either informal or formal.

60

: 00:03:41

That can be a really negative

experience to move past.

61

: 00:03:45

I've also seen clients who've had burnout.

62

: 00:03:46

That's very negative experience

where redundancy has been really

63

: 00:03:49

badly handled by the employer.

64

: 00:03:52

I recently had a client who.

65

: 00:03:54

Didn't have enough work for her and her

team, and that was causing her to doubt

66

: 00:03:59

herself and to impact her confidence.

67

: 00:04:01

And that was a really negative experience.

68

: 00:04:03

That's really bringing her down.

69

: 00:04:04

And then you've also got the things

like, a manager who can't manage well,

70

: 00:04:07

has a very different leadership style to

you or a nasty colleague or client or a

71

: 00:04:14

toxic culture can all contribute to you

having a negative experience at work.

72

: 00:04:20

And what happens is that this can

then affect us in very different ways.

73

: 00:04:25

It can mean that you end

up holding yourself back.

74

: 00:04:28

So a bit like my client, where you're

not being wholehearted about moving

75

: 00:04:33

forward into either a new role or being

wholehearted in your existing role,

76

: 00:04:37

which can then affect your performance

it can be a fear that it's going to be

77

: 00:04:41

happening again and stops you moving.

78

: 00:04:45

Because you might think,

oh, there's a pattern here.

79

: 00:04:47

Why am I having this experience?

80

: 00:04:49

What's the chances of happening again?

81

: 00:04:50

It could be better to stay with what

I know than go into something new

82

: 00:04:54

where, I could be in a worse situation.

83

: 00:04:57

Or you might start to feel, I

don't want to be vulnerable,

84

: 00:05:00

so I'm gonna put some walls up.

85

: 00:05:02

You might not even be conscious

that you're doing this, which

86

: 00:05:04

stops you connecting and

engaging with people around you.

87

: 00:05:08

Or you might develop hyper vigilance

where you are scanning constantly

88

: 00:05:12

for potential risk that this

thing is going to happen again.

89

: 00:05:16

Or you might find yourself ruminating

on, what's happened, you might be

90

: 00:05:21

replaying conversations or situations

in your head over and over again,

91

: 00:05:25

overthinking what's going on.

92

: 00:05:27

Or you might find it hard to

show up as you, you might find

93

: 00:05:31

yourself showing up differently.

94

: 00:05:33

That could be in your existing work.

95

: 00:05:36

Or it could be if you're going for a new

role, showing up at interviews as the

96

: 00:05:41

standout candidate can be hard because

career confidence can be felt, and it can

97

: 00:05:46

be it can be read by people around you.

98

: 00:05:49

So if you are doubting yourself or you are

fearing something that can come through

99

: 00:05:55

in terms of how confident you are in your

job or, if you're going for an interview.

100

: 00:06:01

And also it can give you a legacy

that you can take into your next

101

: 00:06:04

role in terms of a way of being.

102

: 00:06:06

Particularly in, say we take the

micromanagement example, if you've

103

: 00:06:10

had to adjust your style to suit

that micromanager, you're likely

104

: 00:06:14

to take some of that way of being

into your next role, and that's

105

: 00:06:17

going to impact your performance.

106

: 00:06:19

There's lots of things to

think about in terms of.

107

: 00:06:22

How this negative experience is

impacting you, some of which you

108

: 00:06:26

might not even be super aware of

until you start to dive into it.

109

: 00:06:31

Now, it can be tempting to just brush it

off and just think, I've moved past it.

110

: 00:06:35

I don't wanna think about it.

111

: 00:06:37

I just wanna move forward.

112

: 00:06:39

But actually what we need to do is

we do need to unpack it, dissect

113

: 00:06:44

it, and process it and learn from

that experience so that we can get

114

: 00:06:49

something called cognitive closure.

115

: 00:06:52

Because otherwise it's a bit like a scab.

116

: 00:06:55

You can probably remember from

childhood that you go back and you

117

: 00:06:58

keep picking and it doesn't heal.

118

: 00:07:01

We need to be able to do

that processing piece.

119

: 00:07:04

And sometimes you can do this on your own.

120

: 00:07:06

Sometimes you might want to do it with

somebody that you trust, or sometimes

121

: 00:07:10

you might want to do it with somebody

professionally to get perspective

122

: 00:07:15

on what's happened and to see.

123

: 00:07:18

The things that have contributed

to it that you can then choose

124

: 00:07:22

to either leave behind or you can

do differently moving forward.

125

: 00:07:27

What I'm gonna encourage you to do

if you've had a negative experience,

126

: 00:07:29

is not just to feel like I just wanna

move past it, but actually take some

127

: 00:07:33

time and to think about it and to

process it so you can ask yourself

128

: 00:07:38

things like, what can I learn from

this situation or this experience?

129

: 00:07:43

What did I contribute to that happening?

130

: 00:07:46

Because there might be something

that you have, done that you want

131

: 00:07:50

to then change going forward.

132

: 00:07:52

Maybe you felt like I wasn't

assertive in that situation and

133

: 00:07:56

therefore that's something that

I want to work on going forward.

134

: 00:08:00

Or you could think about, what

was happening in that environment

135

: 00:08:03

that didn't enable me to be

at my best in that situation.

136

: 00:08:07

Are there certain environments

that actually aren't right

137

: 00:08:09

for me that I need to avoid?

138

: 00:08:12

In the future or are there particular

personality types that don't align

139

: 00:08:17

with me, that I don't respond well

to, that maybe I need to be aware of?

140

: 00:08:21

If I'm making choices about different

organizations I work in or different

141

: 00:08:26

managers or leaders that I work for.

142

: 00:08:30

And similarly was the

culture aligned to me?

143

: 00:08:32

Are there cultures that

really enable me to thrive?

144

: 00:08:34

Maybe thinking about previous roles

or organizations that you've worked

145

: 00:08:37

in and then asking yourself, what

would you do differently next time

146

: 00:08:42

so that you are learning from that

experience, but also understanding.

147

: 00:08:45

What you do differently next time

gives you a strategy so that if you

148

: 00:08:50

are going into a situation where

there could be similarities, you

149

: 00:08:53

can handle it in a different way

next time, which helps to boost your

150

: 00:08:57

confidence around moving forward.

151

: 00:09:01

And then to get some perspective,

because sometimes when we've had a

152

: 00:09:04

negative experience, we can start to

blame ourselves and think, oh gosh, it

153

: 00:09:08

was all me if I hadn't acted this, if I

hadn't said that, if I hadn't done this.

154

: 00:09:12

But actually getting the perspective,

and that's where it can be helpful

155

: 00:09:16

to have another person in that review

situation, that analysis situation

156

: 00:09:21

to help you see the perspective about

what is actually going on for you and.

157

: 00:09:27

Enabling you to think about

what do I want to leave behind?

158

: 00:09:29

What do I want to actually let go of?

159

: 00:09:31

Which might be about, being compassionate

to yourself and not assuming that actually

160

: 00:09:37

you did something wrong or you were in

the wrong, but understanding perhaps

161

: 00:09:42

the way that person acted towards me was

actually as a result of their particular

162

: 00:09:48

situation, their personality preferences,

the culture in the organization.

163

: 00:09:53

Getting that, perspective and then

thinking about having a releasing ritual.

164

: 00:09:59

And that's what I did with the

client that I mentioned earlier.

165

: 00:10:02

Once we done that processing and she

got that learning from the experience,

166

: 00:10:06

we then did a releasing ritual so she

could be sure that cognitively she had

167

: 00:10:12

dealt with it and she'd moved forward.

168

: 00:10:14

And there are lots of different

releasing rituals that you can undertake.

169

: 00:10:17

And it's about working

out what works for you.

170

: 00:10:19

To make sure that you feel okay I've

processed it, I've learned from it,

171

: 00:10:24

and I'm now ready to move on and I'm

not gonna take it forward with me.

172

: 00:10:29

And I've got a little example to

illustrate this from my experience.

173

: 00:10:32

When I was an HR director,

I worked for a CEO.

174

: 00:10:37

Who, I didn't realize this

when I joined the organization,

175

: 00:10:40

but she was quite insecure.

176

: 00:10:42

And when I in my HR director role

was trying to be proactive, I was

177

: 00:10:47

trying to show initiative she would

play psychological mind games with

178

: 00:10:51

me where she would, she felt like

I was trying to undermine her.

179

: 00:10:57

And I became really wary about how I

presented things to her, how I showed

180

: 00:11:02

initiative, whether I actually wanted

to show initiative and my language.

181

: 00:11:08

I became hypervigilant about the language

she was using and it became a really

182

: 00:11:13

stressful time for me because I felt

like I couldn't be my authentic self and

183

: 00:11:17

it was starting to change my natural,

approach to how I would move things

184

: 00:11:25

forward, how I would lead initiatives,

how I would lead my department.

185

: 00:11:31

It became really difficult and I

probably would've left the organization.

186

: 00:11:34

But , luckily for me, she left

before it, it got to that and a new

187

: 00:11:39

CEO came in who was very different,

who was very open to people being

188

: 00:11:43

proactive and showing initiative.

189

: 00:11:45

And I could see, I had to do some

processing myself to actually

190

: 00:11:49

recognize what was going on, was

really owned by that CEO and wasn't.

191

: 00:11:56

My fault.

192

: 00:11:57

Although I did look at, was I

triggering something for her?

193

: 00:12:00

Was I presenting something in

a way that was overstepping

194

: 00:12:04

the boundaries of my role?

195

: 00:12:06

So I did do that exploration, but then

I was able to let it go so that with

196

: 00:12:12

my relationship with the new CEO, I

could show my true self in terms of

197

: 00:12:18

my solution focus and my initiative.

198

: 00:12:20

And I talked to that CEO about.

199

: 00:12:23

My previous relationship and what

I needed from her in terms of

200

: 00:12:27

her enabling me to step up and.

201

: 00:12:30

Be the HR director that she wanted me to

be having, had to dumb down my natural

202

: 00:12:36

style in my previous relationship.

203

: 00:12:38

But if I hadn't done that processing,

if I hadn't done that thinking

204

: 00:12:41

and that releasing, then I.

205

: 00:12:44

Possibly could have gone into that

new relationship with that CEO in

206

: 00:12:48

a way that she wouldn't have seen

the true HR director that I was, she

207

: 00:12:51

wouldn't have seen my true performance.

208

: 00:12:53

It is recognizing that there is a

danger to your career success if

209

: 00:12:59

you don't process these things.

210

: 00:13:02

The processing definitely is the main

thing to do, but there are a couple of

211

: 00:13:05

other things that I can also recommend

to you to think about doing as well.

212

: 00:13:09

Particularly if you are going

for a new role, perhaps you are

213

: 00:13:13

wanting to leave your current role

because of the negative experience.

214

: 00:13:15

Once you've done that processing

piece, it's also to get

215

: 00:13:19

practice talking about your job.

216

: 00:13:22

For, potential interviews because

you don't want to be in interview

217

: 00:13:24

and be triggered by something.

218

: 00:13:26

That means you then start talking

about your role negatively.

219

: 00:13:29

So you want to be able to practice

being able to talk confidently about

220

: 00:13:34

what you did in that role positively

without letting that negative

221

: 00:13:37

experience have power over you.

222

: 00:13:40

And hopefully if you've done the

processing well it'll be much

223

: 00:13:43

easier to then do that practice

around your interview narrative.

224

: 00:13:47

And then the third thing you

can do is to use a technique

225

: 00:13:51

called positive reminiscence.

226

: 00:13:54

This comes from the positive psychology

community and what we tend to do, , as

227

: 00:13:58

our brains tend to focus on the

negative, you might have heard me

228

: 00:14:01

say previously, we have to have four

positives to balance that one negative.

229

: 00:14:05

So if your negative experience is.

230

: 00:14:07

Is coloring your experience at that

previous organization or your current

231

: 00:14:11

organization is to spend some time

doing some positive reminiscing.

232

: 00:14:16

Reminiscing, oh, can't say that word.

233

: 00:14:18

By savoring moments and really engaging

with moments that you have enjoyed

234

: 00:14:23

in that job or in that organization.

235

: 00:14:25

There will be some colleagues

that you've enjoyed working with.

236

: 00:14:28

There might be projects

that you've enjoyed.

237

: 00:14:30

Being part of, there might be,

things you've done with your

238

: 00:14:33

team that you've really enjoyed.

239

: 00:14:35

It's also spending some time really

noticing the positive experiences that

240

: 00:14:39

you can savor, that will help boost your

feeling about the work experience that

241

: 00:14:47

you've had so that negative experience

doesn't color the whole time that

242

: 00:14:52

you were there in your organization.

243

: 00:14:56

To recap, to recognize that if you

have had a negative experience,

244

: 00:14:59

either in the past or currently, if

you're having one, that you do need

245

: 00:15:04

to support yourself by doing some

processing of that experience either.

246

: 00:15:09

On your own with somebody or with a

coach to help you get the perspective

247

: 00:15:13

that you need to be able to let

go of the unhelpful stuff and know

248

: 00:15:17

that you can move forward positively

and it not impact your confidence.

249

: 00:15:21

Remember all those ways that it can

impact you which we don't want to happen.

250

: 00:15:26

And then the other things you

can do is to practice talking

251

: 00:15:29

about your role, your interview

narrative, so that you are able to.

252

: 00:15:35

Convey positively the things you've

done in that role where you've had

253

: 00:15:39

impact and not let it be covered

by the negative experience or be

254

: 00:15:43

triggered by it in an interview.

255

: 00:15:45

And the third thing is to think

about using positive reminiscence

256

: 00:15:49

to get some balance into that

particular work experience that you.

257

: 00:15:56

I hope that's been useful if

you are experiencing something

258

: 00:15:59

negative at the moment.

259

: 00:16:00

If you want to have some coaching

around the negative experience

260

: 00:16:04

and being able to release what's

happened and be able to move.

261

: 00:16:08

Forward positively and advance your

career positively, then do message

262

: 00:16:12

me and we can book in a career

breakthrough call to help you with that.

263

: 00:16:22

Thank you so much for listening

to this episode of the Unstuck

264

: 00:16:25

and Unstoppable podcast.

265

: 00:16:27

I have lots of free resources you

can access on my website, ww.career

266

: 00:16:32

tree coaching.co

267

: 00:16:34

uk, and I'll also put

links in the show notes.

268

: 00:16:38

If you found this episode

helpful, then please subscribe

269

: 00:16:41

so you don't miss the next one.

270

: 00:16:43

And please do share it with a

friend and leave me a review

271

: 00:16:46

and I will personally thank you.

272

: 00:16:48

Remember, you're capable of more

than you know, shine brightly.

273

: 00:16:53

Lead boldly and unlock the

extraordinary potential within you.

274

: 00:16:58

Be unstoppable.