Episode 19 How to be Assertive at Work

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Welcome to Unstuck and Unstoppable,

the podcast for ambitious female

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leaders who want to create more impact,

income, and influence in their careers.

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feel connected to their passion

and purpose, but without

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selling out or burning out.

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I'm Sarah Archer, a leadership coach

and career strategist, helping women

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like you thrive in leadership roles

while staying true to your values.

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I'm the founder of CareerTree

Coaching and have over 15 years of

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coaching experience and significant HR

leadership experience to share with you.

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I know as a female leader it can

be hard to find time to focus

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on your career aspirations.

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The day job can be all consuming.

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Plus, no matter how senior you are,

there are always going to be times

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when you feel stuck, when you have

self doubt, or feel like an imposter.

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And that's where unstuck

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Each week I'll be sharing practical

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inspiring stories to help you boost

your confidence, lead with purpose

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and achieve sustainable success.

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If you're ready to stop playing

small and unlock the incredible

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potential you have within you and feel

unstoppable, you're in the right place.

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Let's get started.

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Welcome to episode 19.

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I am so glad you're here today.

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Today's topic often comes up when I'm

working with clients around confidence.

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So I thought I would give you some ideas

to think about in terms of how to increase

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your assertiveness at work because it's

an incredibly useful skill to have.

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Being assertive at work means

that you are able to be heard.

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You've got your voice.

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You know that you can get what

you want and what you need

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while respecting other people.

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You can communicate confidently

in an assertive way.

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Whether you're, asking for a pay rise

or you're negotiating for resources for

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your team or, you're just trying to get

what you want in terms of the type of

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work that you want to be doing, or the

projects you want to be involved with.

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Being able to be asked assertively

for what you want is a key skill.

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And also, when you're setting boundaries

it's important to be assertive.

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being able to say no, is a key

skill, because often we're overloaded.

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The workload is just far too high.

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So we need to be able to set those

boundaries and be able to say no.

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Those are the things we're going to

look at today in terms of increasing

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your assertiveness so you can

feel confident about setting the

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boundaries and getting what you want

and what you need in your career.

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People do find it difficult to

be assertive though, don't they?

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It's one of those things where there's

an awful lot of fears surrounding it.

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Fear that someone might not like me

if I'm assertive, or I might hurt

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their feelings, or they might respond

aggressively to me, or reject me,

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or think that I'm not committed, or

not capable, or not whatever it is.

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Or people might feel that they lack

confidence in their decision making

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and therefore don't want to assert

the decision that they might have come

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to or their views on a certain issue.

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It is complex.

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But the good news is that, it's a

skill that you can definitely develop.

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It requires practice as all these

things do, but it's definitely

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something that you can work on

and increase your assertiveness.

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The first thing to do would be

to assess your current style of

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communication around these areas.

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So thinking about, do you voice

your opinions or do you stay silent?

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In meetings or conversations, are

you able to give your opinion on

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something or state your views?

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Do you find yourself saying yes to things

that you don't really want to say yes to?

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Which is classic evidence of whether

you're able to be assertive or not.

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Or do you find yourself you're

quick to judge or to blame?

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Or do people seem to maybe fear?

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or shy away from having conversations

with you or perhaps dread talking to you.

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If you're answering yes to any of those

questions, it might be that you've got

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, currently got a passive communication

style if you answered yes to the first

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couple of questions, or maybe a more

aggressive communication style if

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you answered yes to the latter two.

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The aggressive communication style

is interesting, because women in

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leadership are often in a double bind,

because when they are actually being

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assertive, they can be labelled as being

aggressive, which can then undermine

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their ability to communicate assertively.

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I think it is good to do a bit of

analysis about, what your current

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style is, and if you feel comfortable

asking for feedback from other

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people that you trust to get that

diagnostic on your current style.

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When you're thinking about increasing

your assertive communication style, it's

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good to be thinking about the message that

you want to communicate and the clarity

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of the message is really important.

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Also to think about your body language

to make sure it's congruent with the

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message that you are communicating.

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If you're trying to communicate

assertively, but your body language

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is saying that you're not confident,

you're not meeting people's eyes, or

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you're standing in a sort of slouched

way, or you're defensive, your arms

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crossed, it's going to undermine the

message you're trying to communicate.

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Or similarly, if you're approaching it

in an aggressive stance, then people will

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react to your body language rather than

the message that you're communicating.

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And sometimes if we're nervous

about communicating something, we

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can either go into more aggressive

stance or a less confident stance.

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It's good to be thinking about practicing.

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Starting small with all these things

and practicing different assertive

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communication styles, which I'm going

to run through in a minute before you

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launch into the big ones, if you like.

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So start small to build up your

confidence be mindful to try and stay

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calm when you're trying to communicate

assertively so that you're not letting

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emotions come into the conversation,

which can derail the message.

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Trying to contain that emotion and retain

a calm approach when you're trying

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to communicate something assertively.

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There are different types, and

I'm just going to count them up.

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There are six different types of assertive

communication that you could experiment

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with, that you could think about.

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Okay, how am I

communicating at the moment?

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Am I using just a basic

communication style?

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Do I want to experiment with

different assertive communication

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styles to get what I want?

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The first one is the basic one.

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And an example of that might simply

be saying, I need to leave at 5 p.

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m.

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today.

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So it's Basically saying

what it is that you need.

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And communicating that clearly.

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So that's your basic style.

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And then we've got the empathic

style, where you are acknowledging

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the other person's situation.

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You're obviously showing empathy,

whilst communicating what it is

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that you need, or what you want.

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That might be saying something like, I

know you're really busy at the moment,

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Emma, but I need to ask you a question.

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You're letting that other person know

that you're aware of their situation,

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but you're also asserting what it is

that you need from that situation.

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Then we've got the consequence style,

where you're letting people know

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what the outcome, the consequence

is going to be from their action.

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And you're saying this in an So that

an example of this might be I'm not

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prepared to let my team work with

yours on the project until they

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have access to the same facilities.

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Again, you're letting people know,

actually, there's going to be an outcome.

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There's going to be a

consequence to your actions.

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And this is what I need in order

for that consequence to not happen.

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And then we've got the discrepancy

approach, which is useful

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when you're being, when you

have conflicting priorities.

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You're highlighting that there's a

discrepancy in what you're being asked

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to do or something that's happened and

you're asking for clarity around that.

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An example of that might be as I

understand it, we agreed project A was

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top priority but now you want me to

work on project B at the same time.

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And I need to clarify.

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What actually is the most important

thing that you want me to work on.

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You're highlighting that actually there

is a discrepancy in what you're being

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asked to do and that you need clarity

in order to be successful in delivering

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what it is that you're being asked to do.

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It's really good when there's been mixed

messages or you need clarity, then

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we've got the negative feelings assertive

technique, when you're letting the other

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person know the impact of their actions

on you and how that makes you feel.

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You're not necessarily bringing that

negative emotion into the conversation.

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You're simply asserting

how it makes you feel.

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That might be something like, when you

leave it this late to produce your report,

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it means I have to work over the weekend.

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And that makes me unhappy.

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It makes me annoyed and cross.

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And in the future, I'd really like you.

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to give me your input to the

report by Friday lunchtime.

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You're stating assertively what you

need, and you're also letting the other

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person know, which they may not be aware

of the impact on you of their actions

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in that situation, and why you need

the thing you need at a specific time.

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It helps them to understand

why it is you're asking them

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to do something differently.

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And then the final one we've

got is the broken record.

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And if you have kids, if you're

a parent, you will probably know

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that your kids are really skilled

in the broken record approach.

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But it's a useful approach when you're

trying to set boundaries, when you're

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trying to say no to something, because

you know you're going to keep repeating

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the same response to the request.

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This might go something like Can you

work late tonight to meet the deadline?

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And you might say I can't

because I have a commitment.

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And your boss might say

I'm going to pay you extra.

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I really need you to work late tonight.

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And you continue to say,

I'm really sorry, I can't.

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I have a commitment I can't break.

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And then your boss might respond

with you're going to be letting the

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team down if you don't work late.

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And you reply with, I'm sorry, but as

I've explained, I have a commitment I

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can't break tonight and I can't work late.

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You just keep repeating the response.

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There's different techniques that you

can think about experimenting with in

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terms of increasing your repertoire

of assertiveness responses to get

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what it is that you want or you need.

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To move forward with this, what I would

suggest that you do is to start small.

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Choose, don't try all the

techniques at once, choose one

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that you want to experiment with.

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And to rehearse, so practice what it is

you want to say so that you feel clear,

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you feel confident about what it is you're

going to be saying to that individual.

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And even rehearse it if you've

got a friend or somebody you

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trust, just rehearse having that

conversation so you can practice it.

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And also when you've had that

conversation, use that reflective

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practice of thinking about, okay, what

went well about me using that technique?

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What would I use again?

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What would I do differently?

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And what perhaps didn't work?

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What would I avoid doing next time?

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So that you're continually learning

from the experimentation and also what

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you can start to do is to notice other

people that have an assertive technique

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that you think works really well.

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And start to notice what they're doing.

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Or even just notice, spot the different

techniques of what people are using.

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Either with you, maybe someone's being,

assertively communicating with you.

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And notice how it makes you feel

and just then keep experimenting

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and practicing and eventually it

will become much more, more natural.

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But also you noticing what it brings

up for you when you're being assertive.

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So if you feel I'm worried, I'm going

to let people down, just experimenting

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and noticing, okay that conversation

actually went really well, and they

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didn't feel like I'd let them down.

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So that you can start to negate

the fear that has been driving

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perhaps why you haven't been as

assertive as you want to in the past.

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I hope that's given you some food for

thought in terms of your communication.

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Please do let me know how you get on

with experimenting with assertiveness

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Thank you so much for listening

to this episode of the Unstuck

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and Unstoppable podcast.

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I have lots of free resources you

can access on my website, ww.career

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tree coaching.co

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uk, and I'll also put

links in the show notes.

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If you found this episode

helpful, then please subscribe

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so you don't miss the next one.

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and I will personally thank you.

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Remember, you're capable of more

than you know, shine brightly.

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Lead boldly and unlock the

extraordinary potential within you.

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Be unstoppable.