Episode 29 How to Cope With Difficult Feedback

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Welcome to Unstuck and Unstoppable,

the podcast for ambitious female

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leaders who want to create more impact,

income, and influence in their careers.

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feel connected to their passion

and purpose, but without

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selling out or burning out.

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I'm Sarah Archer, a leadership coach

and career strategist, helping women

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like you thrive in leadership roles

while staying true to your values.

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I'm the founder of CareerTree

Coaching and have over 15 years of

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coaching experience and significant HR

leadership experience to share with you.

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I know as a female leader it can

be hard to find time to focus

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on your career aspirations.

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The day job can be all consuming.

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Plus, no matter how senior you are,

there are always going to be times

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when you feel stuck, when you have

self doubt, or feel like an imposter.

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And that's where unstuck

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Each week I'll be sharing practical

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inspiring stories to help you boost

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and achieve sustainable success.

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If you're ready to stop playing

small and unlock the incredible

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potential you have within you and feel

unstoppable, you're in the right place.

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Let's get started.

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Welcome to episode 29, which is all about

how to cope with difficult feedback.

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This is definitely a challenging topic.

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We all know that feedback helps us to

become more effective, that it drives

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performance and helps us to grow in

our role as leaders, as individuals.

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That negative feedback can allow us

to check in on our performance and

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make adjustments where we need to.

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And the research does show that leaders

who seek out critical feedback as

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opposed to just positive feedback

are viewed as more effective.

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But it's not an easy thing to do to

either seek it out or to hear it.

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And, it can make us feel

a whole range of emotions.

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We can get defensive, we can feel

angry, we can get self-conscious.

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It can trigger, feelings from childhood.

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When we might have been told

off by a, an adult, it can

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bring up lots of stuff for us.

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It is definitely challenging.

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And you can't always take

feedback at face value.

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We can view it as a gift that it's,

going to be helpful to us in some way.

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But actually even when it's

delivered objectively and

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constructively, it can be inaccurate.

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And it can be sometimes nefarious as well.

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You might have a boss with

unrealistic expectations.

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You might have a peer who is insecure

and wants to knock you down a bit.

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You might have a friend who's

projecting their issues onto you.

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So we do have to.

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Be mindful that we need time to

process it and decide what we want

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to do with it when it's been given

to us, whether we've sort it or not.

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That's what I'm gonna aim to do today,

is to give you some strategies to

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think about how you can use that and

how you deal with it when you get it.

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Because it does bring up all

those challenging emotions for us.

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I remember when I was working as

an HR manager, and it was in an

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organization, it was unionized.

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I used to have to do union negotiations,

which I found very difficult because

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I don't really like conflicts.

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And they were very, difficult meetings.

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And I remember after my early ones, I

got some feedback from a senior manager

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that I had been on the negotiating panel

with, that I was too emotional in those

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meetings and that I wasn't actually

enabling the meetings to progress

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because I was going too emotional.

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Too heated too, whatever.

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And I found it very difficult to

take that feedback, but now I can

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see that actually by then listening

to that, taking onboard, it made me

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a better negotiator in the long run.

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It made me able to be more

objective about conflict situations

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and not to react to conflict.

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I can see that it was really helpful

and that actually at that point,

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that manager was giving it to me,

giving the feedback to me with a

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view to helping me become a better.

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Negotiator and deliver better outcomes

for the organization, even though at

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the time I didn't like hearing it.

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Let's have a look at what you can do to.

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Process that feedback and decide what

you want to take on board from it.

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The first point is not to rush to react

to the feedback, because obviously

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when we get that negative feedback,

it's understandable and valid that

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we're going to feel emotional about it.

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So we might feel angry,

we might feel tearful.

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We might have feelings of rejection

or resentment, and it's absolutely

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okay to feel like that because.

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We're getting feedback that

conflicts with our self image, and

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that can be hard to take and it can

rock our perception of ourselves.

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We are going to have an

emotional response to it.

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But it's important to take your

time to reflect on it and not

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respond in the moment because you

know you need time to process it.

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That might be days, it might be weeks,

and that's absolutely okay because

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you've gotta understand what you

want to do with that information.

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And in the meantime, you can use a

couple of techniques to help you.

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Balance the feedback.

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You can use something called

cognitive reappraisal where basically

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you are reframing that feedback.

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So rather than seeing it as upsetting

information that you've received,

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you can reframe it as helpful data

and that can just help take some

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of the emotion outta the feedback.

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It's just helpful data

that you're receiving.

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You can then also use some.

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Self affirmation to remind

yourself of other aspects of

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your identity that are positive.

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So for example, if you've

had some feedback that.

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You are perceived as being quite

controlling, maybe micromanaging

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or abrasive in meetings.

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Then just reminding yourself

about some other aspect of your

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identity that you feel is positive.

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Even something simple, like I'm a very

supportive and kind friend, can just help

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you get some perspective about what's

going on so it doesn't feel like feedback

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is dominating how you see yourself.

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Then the second point

would be to get more data.

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As I said, it's disoriented to

learn that other people don't

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see you as you see yourself.

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And we need to understand that

feedback more so we can ask other

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people if they've seen that behavior.

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So trustworthy colleagues,

potentially peers who you can

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say, I've had this feedback.

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Have you noticed this about me?

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You can just try and understand

the information and get

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more data from other people.

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For example, I had a client who'd

received feedback from her manager who

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actually was in a different country, that

she was being perceived as being abrasive

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in meetings with colleagues and peers.

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Now , this didn't resonate with her and

so she decided she would speak to some

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colleagues that she trusted that he

had also spoken to and find out if they

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perceived her in that way in meetings.

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And the feedback she got from them

was that they didn't, and that

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they hadn't said that about her.

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That gave her information to

reflect on and think about there

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must be something going on.

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Perhaps I just need to.

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To see how I am in meetings, seeing how

people are responding to me, but also gave

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her data about her manager's perception

of her and because she wanted to go

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for a promotion and it would involve

him, she needed to think about how she

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managed that relationship going forward.

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So it was useful data for her.

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The other example I've got here

is a client I worked with a few

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years ago who had received some

negative feedback that had completely

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colored how she felt about herself.

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And so we took the decision to do a

very simple 360 with some people that

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she felt she would value their opinion.

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These were peers and people who worked for

her, and we simply asked three things.

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What do I do?

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Well, What could I do more of?

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What could I do less of?

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And the feedback came to me.

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So it was anonymous to her

and then I collated that and

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presented that data to her.

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And it was beautiful

because she got some really.

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Powerful, strong, positive feedback,

as well as some areas that she could do

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more of or less of that were helpful for

her in terms of growth, but helped her

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just reposition that initial negative

feedback and be able to reestablish

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some of the positives that she knew

about herself, but she'd been hidden

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because of that negative feedback.

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What you want to do within that

data, as with any data, is identify

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the wisdom within it and think about

what you want to take from it and

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what you want to put into place.

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And sometimes that can be useful to

do that with a coach to help you get

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that objectivity about what's useful,

what do you want to take forward,

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and what do you want to leave behind?

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The third thing is to think about whether

you need to make the change that you're

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about to embark on visible, because it

can be hard to change the perception of

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the behavior than the behavior itself.

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I.

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Sometimes it can be symbolic about the

change, particularly in a leadership role

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where you actually want people to know

that you have taken on board the feedback

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and that you are changing the behavior.

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It can be quite, disheartening

if you have changed the

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behavior, but no one's noticed.

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'cause their perception is that still.

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The same.

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I had a client who had feedback from her

team that she didn't listen to them on

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certain aspects and take action on things

that were really important to them, but

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she perceived as being less of a priority.

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She really listened to that.

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She retook it on board and

she wanted to do something to.

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Let them know that she

had taken it on board.

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And what we came up with was a

strategy where she had a meeting.

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'cause one of the things that

they were really concerned

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about was their IT support.

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So she had a meeting where she invited

some of the IT team to come to her team

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meeting and she facilitated a meeting

about removing the blockers for the team.

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And it was a clear signal to

her team that she was listening

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and that she was taking action.

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She could have just gone direct

to the IT team and said, this

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is what we need to happen.

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Boom, boom, bum.

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But she wanted to let her

team know that she was taking

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action and listening to them.

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So she facilitated that meeting.

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It was, choosing to have a symbol

that you have taken on board the

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feedback and you are actioning it.

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The next point would be

not to isolate yourself.

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When you've had negative feedback, it can

be tempting to either avoid the people

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who've given you the feedback or indulge

in that I'm a bit of a victim, some

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corporate conspiracy that's going on.

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And actually, you don't want to

do either of those two things.

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You want to recognize that

the people who've given you

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the feedback have done it.

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On the whole it'll come from a

place of them wanting you to fulfill

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your potential, to be aware of the

things that might be hidden to you

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that are impacting your performance.

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And they have been brave, they've been

courageous, particularly if it's members

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of your team in giving you that feedback.

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So actually appreciating that, using it

as an opportunity to strengthen those

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relationships by thanking them for their.

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Bravery in a sense of sharing

that feedback with you and talking

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about how you are, inputting

that feedback or changing your

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behaviors, whatever it might be.

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So don't isolate yourself.

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And then the next one would be

recognizing change isn't the only option.

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If the feedback has been something

that you recognize actually is

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integral to you that you can't change,

it's not a behavior you can change.

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It's something that is

part of your way of being.

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Then asking for understanding

and help can be as powerful

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as making a behavior change.

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For example, I'm coaching

somebody at the moment who's had

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feedback that their prioritization

and organization needs work.

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And what we've recognized as

we've been unpacking all of

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this is actually that they are.

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Very creative person.

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That's part of their role and their

preference is around spontaneity.

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They're not really a very planned,

structured person, and they like to

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be able to be more in the moment.

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I.

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Whereas their manager is very

structured, very planned, very organized.

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And so you can imagine, and you will

have had this maybe in your team,

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if you are a structured, organized

person, that you get frustrated by the

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people in your team who are not that,

who leave things to the last minute,

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who might be a bit more fluid around

deadlines, who might not see the same

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priorities in the way that you see them.

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So what we're working on.

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With my client is looking at putting some

planning in place 'cause they need to

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learn how to do some planning that will

help and enhance their performance, but

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also having a dialogue with their manager

around the fact that they're always

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going to be more spontaneous and creative

and that actually is a strength, but.

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Help their manager shift that perception

so that they're not gonna feel so

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frustrated about why that person, their

team member, isn't conforming to their

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idea of organization and prioritization.

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Then my last couple of points is,

the first one is not to let the

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feedback make you play smaller.

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It is recognizing that sometimes there

might be structural or organizational,

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things that are impacting your

ability to be at your best and that

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might be impacting your performance.

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It's recognizing are there things that

are stopping me performing well and

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that's why I'm getting this feedback

and therefore how could I change those?

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Or do I need to think about a

change of organization potentially?

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So not letting it, make you play small.

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And the second or the last point

really is for you as a leader to think

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about creating a feedback culture.

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Role modeling constructive feedback,

both giving and receiving it.

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Encouraging a feedback culture where

your team really is focused on growth

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and is open to feedback, but managing

that in a way that is constructive and

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has parameters and support in place.

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Let me just recap my points 'cause

I know there's a lot in there.

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The first one is don't rush to react.

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Give yourself some

space to think about it.

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Get more information, get more data.

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Make the change visible if necessary.

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Have a symbol, signifies

that change has happened.

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Don't isolate yourself.

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Reset those relationships.

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Recognizing that sometimes

change isn't the only option.

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That asking for help and understanding

can be as powerful, not letting

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the feedback make you play smaller.

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And creating a feedback culture.

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I'd love to know your

thoughts around feedback.

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If there's anything else you've

found that's helpful in terms

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of managing your feedback.

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If you've had negative feedback,

and obviously if you've got

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any feedback, things I could do

better, more of, or less of , then

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please I'd be really open to that.

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. And if this is a topic that you

are struggling with, then please

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do get in touch and we can have

a chat about how coaching can

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help you in your leadership role.

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If you are feeling that you

need to take some action on some

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feedback that you have received.

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Do have a great week.

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Thank you so much for listening

to this episode of the Unstuck

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and Unstoppable podcast.

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I have lots of free resources you

can access on my website, ww.career

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tree coaching.co

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uk, and I'll also put

links in the show notes.

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If you found this episode

helpful, then please subscribe

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so you don't miss the next one.

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And please do share it with a

friend and leave me a review

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and I will personally thank you.

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Remember, you're capable of

more than shine brightly.

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Lead boldly and unlock the

extraordinary potential within you.

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Be unstoppable.